Thoughts & Ramblings

"I've never experienced anything like that. I'm trembling". He said in a whisper.

2009-12-11T12:11:00.002-05:00

A New Experience

2009-11-12T11:16:00.002-05:00

I have been a sensual explorer for quite a few years now and never realized that it's not always about what you think is sensual but actually your just "being" sensual that turns everything you do sensual.

Did that makes sense? I hope so, because the other day in my studio I had a request I never had before. He asked.. Can you shave me.. down there? Of course me, well being me, said of course I can. I actually never did this before and after I said yes I got a little nervous. Geeze... what if I cut him by mistake... Yikes!

Before he showed up I began to set everything up I thought I might need. Aside from setting up my usual warm oils for massage and lighting my cazillion candles, turning on my towel warmer and getting my music out I also laid out a towel, bowl of water, shaving cream and a razor. I also got out an anticeptic cream (just in case).. I didn't put that in plain view, I didn't want to scare him.

He walked in as usual, he went right back into my studio and got comfortable. He took a nice hot shower and came out. I have a sort of "thing" I like to do when a man or woman comes out of the shower. I enjoy taking a few minutes to dry them off myself. Very softly with a warm towel. I think this non-sexual gesture in it's own way can be more sexual than sex sometimes. It's a very sensual feeling for me and allows me to embrace my own feminimity.

After this, he jumps up on to my table and we begin his Soft Touch Bodywork Session. I'm going to skip over this part because it's something that I want to talk much more in detail about in another post. Trying to stick to the topic of this day's post. Needless to say after he was completely oiled, massage, carressed and utterly free of any stress he may have had before he jumped on my table I asked him, "are you ready"? He said, "Yes".

I then took a small pair of scizzors and began to trim off the top layer. As he had never shaved or even trimmed the area before there was quite a lot of growth. As I gently pulled apart and separated areas to trim I noticed how gentle this entire act was. How his trust in me as I looked up and saw his eyes closed, his hands resting at his sides made me feel. I felt more gentle, more nurturing than I thought I would.

I did this until there was nothing left but a short layer of hair. I then took a generous handful of warm shaving cream and spread it on him. Using much more than I needed and rubbing it around probably more than I had to, this just felt good. I dipped the razor in some warm water and took my first swipe.

So gently I grazed it along his pubic area right below his belly button. As I watched the line of shaving cream or actually the lack of it make a stripe across his lower belly I knew right then and there this was probably the most sensual thing I've ever done.

As I used both hands now to achieve such a glorious experience, I was enthrawled with his beautiful trust in me as his body was indeed mine to care for in such an intimate exchange. As I moved his penis to each side to get the inner most part of his legs he never moved or flinched. He lay there as I manipulated and prodded his body. Never once looking up or moving, nevertheless, our connection was indeed stronger than what I could have imagined.

As I watched his body become smooth and clean-shaven I felt his man-hood throbbing with delight. Imagine the hot cream, the manipulating, the trust, the new feeling of air and water touching your bare skin which had never felt so alive as each nerve ending was uncovered from the natural brush that was there forever.

This was indeed the most sensual act of giving I had encountered in a very long time. The entire experience for him was incredibly erotic as his entire body shook uncontrollably as his orgasm rose out from within and shuttered out slowly and completely without the normal stroking that he was so used to. That an orgasm can overwhelm you so incredibly as to feel it emulate from the tip of your toes to the top of your head.

I hope I have many more encounters such as this. I will never take for granted what I think is sensual. As this has totally taught me that everything is indeed sensual. Allow your sensual self to dictate the things you do and your entire world becomes erotically beautiful.

Uncomplicated Giving

2009-08-06T09:16:00.001-04:00

Giving is a way of life... Uncomplicated giving is just that. Uncomplicated. When you stand at the doorway a few extra seconds while you wait for someone to get there or when you pass by a stranger and actually look in their eyes and smile is a beautiful way to give. No strings and no agenda this is something that can profoundly change the way in which that person interacts with the people involved in his world that day. Not to mention that it makes ME feel good.
For me, this act of sensuality is an integral part of who I am and how I am. This doesn't mean that I want to have sex with strangers that I smile at or hold a door open for. What it does mean is that there is never a time in my life I reserve my sensual self for. There are so many levels that my own sensuality can be present and alive every single second of my waking hours.
I remember on time I was walking into a 7'11 and I saw a man get out of his car and head up to the door. Now, of course I know he's coming to the door though he was probably a good 20 seconds away from it. I know that doesn't sound like long but in the world of holding a door open I believe most people have a 2 second rule. If you are not directly behind the person going in you just let go of the door. So, anyway, I waited for him with a smile.... In the grand scheme of things, what is 20 seconds out of my life........ well, I'll tell you what that 20 seconds is for me.... and now for a complete stranger..........
It was profound. This person's gate was heavy, strong, determined as he bounded toward the door looking down the entire time. I'm sure his mind was on something that completely engrossed his every thought and I don't think those thoughts were positive. You can always tell when someone is not a "happy camper".
I found all of this out within the 20 seconds I stood there waiting for him. When he finally did look up and saw me there he was a few feet away from the door in which I was holding and he gallantly stepped up to a fast walk as to not make me stand there longer. That was a nice gesture. I immediately said, "don't run, it's too early for that. Take your time, no rush". He stopped and he look at me and said..."Young lady, you just made my day, Thank you". that said with a smile that was expressed not only by his lips, but by his eyes. I watched the angst that followed him out of his truck completely disappear. What I saw was a pair of big brown smiling eyes.
Why did I do this.. Not for him, I don't know him... I do this for me... because giving or transferring positive energy out to the universe via one person at at time makes me feel happier than I made him feel. This is a circle of giving that is uncomplicated and one in which is so easy to give. I have found that I no longer even have to think about these sorts of things.. they now come naturally and lovingly.
I believe the guarded walls we all create to survive have been moved back in my mind. This allows me to be so much more empathetic to the human condition. I went from wondering why someone was "looking at me" to enjoying that instant and spontaneous connection with a smile. It's a huge leap in NY to do that.. any of you that live here understand what I'm saying and what I mean.
Smile at strangers, hold a door a few extra seconds. You will be happily surprised how much this changes your outlook and your state-of-mind as well as the ones you are around.

Essential Touch

2009-05-17T23:40:00.004-04:00

Essential Touch

Remember when you were little, perhaps, your mother or father would gently stroke your hair before you fell asleep? When you were hugged and you felt the loving arms around you that gave you a profound sense of safety? These feelings are just as important to your emotional and physical well-being as it is to see your doctor on a regular basis. When this tender, loving care is absent from your child life it will have an effect on your life as a growing adult, on your relationships and your ability to give and receive affection. You might even question your own self worth. As important as it is to getting a deep tissue massage, as important as it is to work and to care for those in your life who depend upon you, it is just as important to feed your soul and your desire to feel the soft touch of another person.
Soft Touch Bodywork is the same as having a completely grand and perfectly balanced meal. Everything before you is perfect for your health and to delightful to your taste. Yes, we can surely survive on bread and water for a substantial amount of time, but you would not be 100 percent healthy. Eventually this would wear down the rest of your physical and mental abilities. You would simply be surviving.. .. We want to thrive... not merely survive.
Anyone can go for a deep tissue massage. Anyone at anytime anyone can feel the touch of another person via sexual intercourse, a shake of a hand, a passing pat on the shoulder, a hug from a child. All of these things are essential to one's balanced self. I don't want to diminish or minimize the need for any and all of these beautiful touches....... But absolutely none of these quenches our deep desire to be gently caressed and adored without hesitation. To be vulnerable, to let go of our insecurities about our physical looks for an hour out of our lives and allow ourselves the gift of being without fear or judgement for even a short amount of time is a gift beyond gifts.

Mind & Body Infusion

2009-05-17T23:34:00.003-04:00

Where one begins and the other ends becomes nothing more than a fuzzy blur. Who's Knocking at your door.
Ideas, agendas, inferences and a menu of sorts is already set in your head when you walk through the door. Everyone has an agenda. Everyone thinks they know exactly what they need and want and for general purpose that is true. But when you walk through a Tantrika's door and enter her/his world the menus and agendas are cast off into the wind from a mere whisper of wind from a curtain.
The key to an abosolutely, insanely great Tantra or Massage session is the ability to let go of everything thought, every feeling, every sound, every sight except those placed upon you by your guide. To do this for your client takes great care, patience and passion for the art that is... Holistic Healing.
Every Practitioner, or 'Artist', has their own way and belief system that governs the way in which they practice their modality. I say, "belief system", because this sort of healing is not drawn from a menu. It is not something you can learn from a book or be taught. This is something that comes from within and is transferred out to the universe at any given time.. and most assuredly is gently caressed into the very core of the one who is laid out before you.
The body speaks the truth. The brain has excuses, definitions, walls and in general is cluttered up with daily duties of the day, the memories, that while one might believe they've forgotten, stand tall at the doorway of your Id diligently building up those walls one brick at a time, one day at time, one memory at a time until its shadow alone would stop any real feelings from daring to even think they had a chance at seeing the doorway let alone slipping through it.
Listen intently to what is not being said. Listen to a sigh, a slight movement, a twitter of a toe, a half breath, hands that slowly relax from fetal position allowing the fingers to actually have some space between them and to slowly watch them reach out, as they open for you, reach out to the universe as if to say.. fill me, empty me, take care of me, I'm yours. This is why people come to you. Though I would venture that if you asked them directly why they sought you out.. they would say... I heard "Tantra" was erotic **translation: I want a good orgasm**. Hey, this is good enough of a reason for me. Why, you might ask after all the deep glop you just read.. Why.... because... it gets them in the door. What they think they want is not always what they truly need.
You walk through my curtain...... I immediately take control

Botanical Gardens - Holiday Train Show

2008-12-14T08:27:00.013-05:00

Botanical Gardens is such a beautiful place any day of the year, but during the Holiday Season they add extra beauty to it by having a Holiday Train show. The train show is not your traditional Christmas scenes with snow capped frozen lakes with figures ice skating and drinking hot chocolate around a Christmas tree. Rather, it is a beautiful display of some of the oldest and newest landmarks in New York City. The model homes and buildings are some of the most beautiful recreations I've ever seen. Stunning is a good word for it.

The Train Show takes about 45 minutes to go through and of course then after that you are free to rome around the entire garden. I love it there. There are plenty of things to do with the kids if you want to go. There is a Ginerbread House where they can make cookies and do crafts while you wait for your time slot to see the Train Show. It's a really nice day out if you're looking for something a bit different to do. Happy Holidays Everyone.. Enjoy the pictures I took.

For all of the pictures look HERE

Christmas House in Deer Park

2008-12-12T12:47:00.008-05:00

My friend called me the other day and said, "you have to see this house", so me being .... well, me... had to see it. And it was sure well worth it. It was very cool. I can't even imagine how long it took this man to get all of these lights and decorations up in his yard. He must start in October and let's not even mention the electric bill! He uses all the donations toward the Schneider's Children's Hospital. I'm not sure of the exact address but it's in Deer Park right off of Deer Park Avenue not too far from the Southern State. I'm sure you can find it if you look. There are lots of cars around it. If you go, please donate!

Museum of Sex - NYC (where else?)

2008-11-03T17:32:00.003-05:00

What else can I say about this.. NYC is the Coolest City on Earth..well, that I've seen so far... that's always open to change... I'm not done seeing the Earth yet.

The Museum of Sex is a very interesting place to visit. I, personally, think that it could have been MUCH bigger. It was three loft floors of sporadic video and a basic history of sex from Sex Education to the Sexual Revolution in Movies (Some of those first porn films were very funny!) to alternative lifestyle sex. I think it's a must see if you're in the City and have an hour or so to spare. You can see the few pictures that I took HERE

Smiths Point Beach

2008-10-19T11:28:00.004-04:00

I love to go to the water this time of year. After the blistering son has moved a way a bit and the ocean waves are gearing up for winter. When you feel the chilled air brush across your face and breeze through your hair. This is my favorite time.

If you like beach scenes, clouds and flowers take a look at all of the pictures HERE

"The End" Montauk...So pretty...

2008-10-17T23:01:00.011-04:00

Today was the perfect day to drive out East.. So I did.

Thank you... You, for inviting me to your home.

What a pleasure

Metropolitan Museum of Art

2008-10-17T21:49:00.006-04:00

MET

I absolutely Love going to NYC. What's even better than going to the city is getting to the Museums. They range in such diversity and spendor it is like a buffet of every kind of dessert imaginable. From the MET to the Sex Museum and everything in between, it's all food for the senses.

This last adventure was to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was there for 7 hours and still didn't get to see it all. I did get some amazing pictures which you can find HERE. I was able to go on to the roof of the MET and had the perfect opportunity to use the panorama feature on my camera...

A perfect Day in the Greatest City on Earth

Celtic Thunder

2008-10-08T22:36:00.004-04:00

Just an Amazing show .. Just amazing. I was blown away by these men when I saw them on Television and even more so in person. If you ever have a chance to see them. GO!

Woodstock - Summer of Love

2008-08-24T23:20:00.007-04:00

Taking a ride upstate to the Bethel Farm and Woodstock is like taking a ride back in time. You are totally transported back to a time when peace, love and many psychedelic drugs made for some very happy people. Well, let's not forget the MUSIC! The music is what drew me to this magical place. I believe the most powerful musical time in our history. It truly did change the world.

I went to visit the Farm where the concert was held in Bethel, New York. There is a museum there now that is just spectacular. Between the Magic Bus and the great music it takes you back to a time where peace and love were the only goal.

This says it all !!!!!

For all pictures look HERE

Gathering Of The Vibes

2008-08-04T14:57:00.012-04:00

Hippy Fest 2008 - I was in Heaven!

Three days of live music, great friends and family and some of the "happiest" people on earth all gathered together for three days of peace, love, fun and smiles!! Here is a snippet of time I brought back with me. I'm still smiling.

"What was in those cookies???"

"Alternative Routes"

2008-07-30T22:33:00.003-04:00

We may not always get what we want, but we always get what we choose,

Therefore, choose wisely

New Hope, PA

2008-07-27T16:13:00.006-04:00

It's not how far you go... it's how far you let go. Two hours away and you're in a whole new world. I love rustic America, the slowing down of time and the beauty and grandeur of a more simple life.

A quick trip and a few photos that I thought were interesting enough to share. I love old victorian homes as well as colonial homes. New Hope, PA has a bit of everything. There is so much History in this out of the way place coupled with natural beauty. Sometimes a few hours away feels like a lifetime.

Playing in NYC

2008-06-01T22:33:00.007-04:00

For anyone who reads this who lives close enough to NYC to be able to visit at any time or for those of you who travel there, I hope that you take time to see one show that will totally make you smile and feel good! What more can someone ask for during a night out! Go and see

Blue Man Group

*Official Site*

Now this is yet another version of "Living Art"

Happy Memorial Day

2008-05-23T17:21:00.002-04:00

Remember Our Troops!

Museum of Modern Art - Olafur Eliasson

2008-05-18T21:46:00.008-04:00

A Collision of Lights and Imagination

I need more time at this Museum. There is just too much to try to absorb all in one day. This is a collection of what I saw and what I liked. You need to take much time in this type of Museum. There is MUCH to say about the act of "Pondering".

I want to Ponder longer!

Here are a few Sample Pictures

You can see all of the Pictures HERE

Enjoy!!!

Cai Guo Qiang at the Guggenheim Museum

2008-05-04T22:24:00.016-04:00

What an amazing Show. A true Visual Artist. Below are a few pictures from his show. You can find all of the pictures here

The Car Bomb

Thank you, Bill for showing me so many things!!!

You're a true friend.

Love Letters

2008-04-30T22:30:00.004-04:00

Time to giggle again :) Ok .. I have a quirky sense of humor. Just humor me :)

Om Namah Shivaya

2008-04-24T20:05:00.004-04:00

Thank you Robert, You showed me something I never new existed!!!

Heart Chakra

2008-04-24T11:53:00.003-04:00

Heart Chakra A continuation of "Introduction into Tantra Massage"

Introduction into Tantra Massage

2008-04-04T07:41:00.024-04:00

The Art Of Touch

I made a trip into NYC finally to attend a Tantra Workshop with Anton of SexySpirits.com on Tuesday Evening. Though I deal mainly with the Male Body, this workshop was geared toward Exploring the Female body through a Tantra Massage. Though I agree with most of the things talked about, I believe the only thing I do not agree with is the using of the word "Goddess" to define a woman. If you put a woman in the realm of a Goddess, where does that leave the man. I suppose if I heard the word "God" used to define a man it might have made more sense. I guess I just don't define myself as a "Goddess". As that definition denotes a realm that takes me off of the Earthly Plain where, quite frankly, I'm very comfortable.

I found many differences between a massage for women and a massage for men which just cemented in my mind the differences between a Man and a Woman are so fundamentally different that you can not intertwine them. The results simply will not be the same. I will get into a few of them later.

The Giver and the Receiver's mindset created before an actual Sensual Tantric Massage is given is by far the most important factor in determining if the state of bliss you are searching for will be created. This workshop was based on a Male becoming a Sensual Touch Provider for females only. So in this sense the workshop was limited to specific ideas. I also understand that it was only a three hour basic introduction into the why's and how's of a Tantric Massage.

I believe a Tantra or Sensual Massage is created ONLY when the Giver is completely in touch with his or her positive energy source. I know that sounds a bit "out there" in terms of what you must feel, but I will try as best as I can to break it down for you. Anton actually brushed over this very core feeling. I'm not quite sure why it wasn't delved into more deeply other than the fact that this actual "root" a Provider MUST submit to is so extremely deep that that is an entire weekend workshop in itself. I believe a deeper understanding of what I'm about to say is so important that it will benefit anyone willing to dig deeper into their own sensual self.

He said this, (This is not word for word as I forgot to bring a pen and paper. I will try to make it as close to what I remember.) "You can only truly tap into someone's sensual energy when you have tapped into your own and then transfer that to your partner."

Feel me, feeling you...........This is the root of the root.

I know first hand that nothing happens until this is created. That before this is acheived it is nothing more than a normal massage most probably based on a script or menu. I would love to take a weekend to just completely absorb the very fundamentals that go into being a Sensual/Tantric Provider. I believe this is the key to a successful and healthy balance of your OWN energy. Without that, nothing of any value can be transferred to anyone inside or outside of a massage session.

Some of the Fundamental Differences between a Female and Male Erotic Massage.

As with any form of erotic touch, there is a certain amount of sensual arousal achieved before an actual session starts. This is normal and very important. How you nurture that energy is the key to everything that happens thereafter. As a provider you must understand the psychological thought process that is going on.

As Anton explained in his workshop he believes a full connection is very important to a woman's complete comfort and an important factor to her being able to surrender to his touch. By complete connection I mean this; As he is always touching her so is she always touching a part of his body. That he believes this connection is essential. Now, because women and men have such different emotional needs, I believe, this is very true. This is exactly why my Couples massage is done the way it is done. Only the connection is based on the Couple's bond. In this case, I am used only as a tool.

In the case of a Giver sensually touching a man the entire mind-set is opposite. A man will come to a session extremely sexually charged already. This is very natural and in all other circumstances is essential to love making. But a person can not truly and completely feel another person when they are themselves are using their thought process to feel you. That is way too much going on at one time. It will not allow your mind to relax enough to fuse your mind and body into one complete entity. This is where trust in surrender is so very important and essential. As I have learned over the years and through much time spent touching and listening to my client's bodies talk to me the path to a positive energy exchange is only achieved by not allowing the complete connection.

IE : If a man is laying down on his back with his hands draped down the sides of his body, his natural reaction to me sitting behind him between his legs is to reach around and caress my thighs. *which feels great, by the way* but is not conducive to the ultimate goal, which is mind and body fusion. So while a woman emotionally needs the complete connection between her and her masseuse, a man is the polar opposite of this. As many of my client's will testify to my gently nudging their hands back up above their head.

I can go into this much deeper but at this time I won't. I certainly will answer any questions anyone has and as always, remember, these are my own opinions based on years of getting to know the human body.

In conclusion:

I highly recommend this workshop for anyone who is interested in learning the Unique Art of Erotic and Sensual Touch.

**sidenote**

To Bill,

Thank you so much for being my friend and exploring this beautifully Sensual World with me! I know I'm a silly handful sometimes.

2008-03-28T21:03:00.001-04:00

I love this video! REO Speedwagon before the familiar voice we all know and love.

Just take a minute and Laugh!

2008-03-17T08:47:00.001-04:00

Tantra Demonstration

2008-03-11T09:47:00.003-04:00

I'm very excited to be going to this Demonstration given by Anton from SexySpirits.com

I love learning new mind sets and techniques used to explore the body and the mind. Anyone who is interested in learning more about how to please the person you're with in a much more profound and intense way should make time to learn about the Art of Tantra Massage.

NYC Botanical Gardens

2008-03-02T23:30:00.013-05:00

Just Amazing!!!!

First, I have to say this. I have never been to any Botanical Garden before and was completey amazed at how beautiful it was. I can only imagine the beauty in the Spring, Summer and Fall when all of the outside foliage and flowers are in bloom. This month is the Orchids Exhibit.

I had no idea how HUGE the Gardens would be even though we were only seeing the inside exhibits. I had no idea that each area was actually it's own area of the world with it's own climate. We went though the Desert with hot dry heat directly into the Amazon Rain Forest into a lush green Forest. It was truly beautiful.

The amounts of different kinds of Orchids is astounding and quite beautiful. Some of them are so delicate while others look like some alien bug! Instead of posting up my pictures in this blog I'm simply going to post the link to the album where they all are. I can not just pick out a few to show you because they are all so beautiful. I feel I would be short changing you to do less.

Botanical Gardens Pictures

Enjoy!!!!

A Few Highlights

Things I Ponder

2008-02-27T19:45:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about this because I was online today and someone Instant Messaged me. After saying hello and a polite introduction he told me that he was 35/Male/Italian. So, of course, me being me I asked him if he was born here. He said yes. Here's what I began to ponder.

I understand that America is a young Country compared to most every other Country. But when is it that people who were born here and know no other home will decide to take American as their Nationality? My ancestors were from other Countries but I certainly am not. Nor would I ever claim to identify with their home. I know NOTHING about their culture, history or language. If I was from Italy, in fact, and knew that Americans, who never even visited my country let alone were born there, claimed it as their Nationality I would probably laugh and wonder what was wrong with them.

I don't feel that when someone asks me what I am that it's fair that I tell them where all of my ancestors, ancestors came from. That simply is not who I am.

When someone asks me what Nationality I am I always say with such pride,

"I'm American."

No Discipline!

2008-02-26T17:51:00.002-05:00

well..I decided I need a trainer in the gym. I'm just way too easy on myself. Though I do much more now than I did when I first started, it's just not going fast enough for me. I've always kinda been too easy on myself in many ways but I try to acknowledge that fact and work on it and change it. But I think I need professional help. I'm heading to the gym now.... Hurry, I need you!!!

Any Trainers out there?

Question

2008-02-25T13:55:00.001-05:00

How come you drive your car on a Parkway and park your car in a Driveway?

Amazing Sky

2008-02-19T18:34:00.010-05:00

Snow Storm Feb 2008

This is a view from my back deck right after the rain finally started to clear

This is a Sunset

Amazing, huh?

New York City

2008-02-16T11:04:00.002-05:00

Well, what can I say about NYC that hasn't already been said. The Greatest City in the world. Well, according to New Yorkers anyway.

I actually do love to go to NYC and try to go as much as possible. I love Broadway especially. I spent the better part of last night in the city and for some reason it just seemed more crowded than usual. No matter where we were walking so were a million other people. The one thing I love about NYC is all of the lit up bill boards. Some of them are very entertaining short movies.

Now, I'm hooked on Broadway Plays as I just mentioned and last night was my first time seeing Grease. I was looking forward to it for so long. I have to say first that in my opinion there is no way a live performance can be bad of any production. I even love High School Plays. But this production of Grease last night was so disappointing. ::sigh::

The music was great, no doubt. They even added in a few songs that weren't from the movie. It was just so blah though. I never quite saw a play where I left feeling that way. Maybe the movie with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John was just too good. Or maybe it was because I saw it no less than 100 times. In reality who can ever live up to that hype!

I would still recommend seeing the Play to anyone who likes Grease. The music is awesome and there is nothing that beats seeing a live performance and a night out in New York City.

Ying/Yang ... Ummm?

2008-02-15T11:24:00.009-05:00

well.. this is an expansion on my last entry Ying/Yang.

I got a phone call from a friend who said I might want to re-think the rainbow analogy. He said I was, to him, more like a bolt of lightning. That when it hits the ground it sprays off into many, different directions with no real plan or structure. But the main bolt always safely grounds out and never lets the wild sprays stray too far.

Thank you for that analogy. Rainbow/Lightning. Fascinating. I have to give this more thought. Does that mean I have a lot of Energy? I think that probably may just be true. ::Smiles::

Ying/Yang

2008-02-15T10:00:00.011-05:00

This subject came up this morning and it got me thinking about the ying and yangs that everyone has in their life. I'm a firm believer that if you don't have this ying/yang balance then things just might be a bit "off kilter" in your life. I think that is where maybe stress or anxiety may be lingering. You will always feel that "something is missing" feeling when you don't have the balance you need emotionally and physically.

I picture this in my mind's eye like a the rainbow of my world. Filled with every single color imaginable and then imagine all of those colors mixed up in endess variations. These represent every emotion that has ever ran through me. A rainbow feels like to me something that has two ends and at the very top of the arch is the center. This is a constantly growing rainbow. Really, it has no real end. The key that I work on is keeping it centered as to not have one side bigger than the other. Have you ever seen a lop-sided rainbow? It's not a very pretty site that's for sure. "Off Kilter."

As I delve and explore my sensual self, I find that my rainbow grows as I grow. I have found that something happens naturally as this occurs. Something that I hadn't realized up until I was gently guided into the direction of thinking about my own ying/yang. As I let go to and embrace the sensual parts of myself, as I open my mind up more, as I embrace my own femininity, (which is a never-ending spring), I find that I balance it out in other areas of my life. Without even trying things have tended to moved without my direction or thought. It just happened.

I just find it amazing how the human brain is so extremely complex and so incredibly self reliant. Your mind is always telling you what it needs. It's up to you whether or not you give those things to yourself. These things are not always things you can touch, see or taste. Sometimes it's just a realization of a state of mind that will set the "level" of your life to balance.

I remember quite some years ago, I was talking with a friend. This was a very deep conversation where at one point he asked the right questions that just set my mind off. It was like he opened the gate and the flood waters came rushing in. No direction, no path, no rules. Just wild waters that were set free to run down the moutain side with no barriers. What a beautiful gift to give someone. I wonder if at that time I made much sense. Rushing rivers can be quite confused without some kind of walls to guide them. I was probably at that time more like a huge mudslide!!! Either way, the flood gates of my mind were opened and once that happens there is no going back up the moutain to the damn that keeps you bound and locked up.

I believe it is after that, that the rainbow of my world began to take some sort of shape that resembled a rainbow that was not lop-sided. As my rainbow transformed into what it is today it took on many shapes and sizes. I'm quite positive that there is no gold at the end of a rainbow. The gold is many colors that promise to continually expand. The gold is "no end" to a rainbow.

Memorable TV-Blast from the Past

2008-02-14T13:42:00.008-05:00

School House Rock.... Oh, I know you all remember this too!

My all time favorite, Bugs Bunny

"There's gold in dem dare mountains"

Pollution

I love this one

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop...

One..... Two....... Three....

I don't know why I was thinking of this commercial today.

Your Own Backyard

2008-02-13T12:02:00.012-05:00

Why is it when a person is miserable and unhappy for some reason they think everyone else is too. They can not seem to see through their own sadness or dysfunctional behavior to realize that the anger and sadness they convey to others is from within. I have noticed that some people will convert their own negativity on to others so as to not have to deal with the very notion that not everyone is as unhappy and socially dysfunctional as they are! I guess it goes back to the old saying do as I say, not as I do. It's much, much easier to see over someone elses fence than it is to look in our own backyard

How do you view this yard?

The name of this picture is "Ugly Bridge"

I see absolutely NOTHING ugly in this picture.

It's all how you interpret the world around you.

When you take the time to stay in your own yard and you really look around you may realize that your yard needs attention and tending to. I think when real and honest time and devotion goes into yourself you can begin to see your yard in its entirety. You will see how unique and beautiful it is.

You'll be pleasantly surprised at beautiful your yard really is and just how beautiful all the other yards were all along.

Walls

2008-02-13T08:46:00.019-05:00

Everyone who lives and breathes in this world, no matter their status, their race, religion, gender, occupation has their own personal walls. Within those walls are a cazillion paths that wind all over, under, through, around one another like a the webs of thousands of spiders. They are the paths of your life, of every memory of every thought, movement, decision and consequence. You have to define your walls and paths on your own. There is no rule or set way in which to build walls. They, in fact, are built through circumstance not of our own doing at times.

My personal pages/walls are much different than they used to be. I think of life in stages of walls that every person has. Generally three walls... but also remember it's much more complicated than this. Remember within the three big walls there are thousands upon thousand of tiny bumps and curves created and personalized by one's own life and their interpretation of it.

Everyone has the outter wall. The one that is up for the general public. The one that allows you to shake hands with a stranger and genuinely smile and say hello. The one that truly wants to know the answer to "how are you?" without much more detail than a one or two word answer. The one we pretty much let every single person we encounter mingle behind. This is a very very crowded area. Lots of things going on behind this wall. It's a pretty fun place to be. No real thoughts going on, no issues. just a very light and airy place. This area is huge. It's like a never-ending field of daisies with soft music always playing the background. Where everyone is pretty happy. You're free to wander aimlessy around, lay down and relax and just about anything else. After all it's hard to be negative when you're standing in a beautiful wide open field with many other happy people. Unless you have allergies. Now that could be bad! Let's assume in my world that allergies don't exist. :::smiles:::

Wall number two is a bit more personal and complicated. This is where our family, friends and people we genuinely care for reside. This is where when we ask the question, "how are you?" we genuinely want the extended answer. Where we care about the answer. This is where you let in personal trust. This wall is not easy to get behind but not that hard either. It's like jumping over a four foot fence. Not too hard if you put in a bit of effort. Sometimes people get behind this wall completely not of our own doing but just because of their position in our life. Maybe we wouldn't have chosen them to be there or maybe we even might have kicked them out of this area a long time ago.

But sometimes in life, circumstances are beyond our control. This area is a sort of grayish area. A good example of a gray area is your boss. He has to be behind this wall because of his/her postion in your life. Trust is mandatory and they must know personal things about you. Things you normally reserve for the ones you hand pick to be there.

Sometimes people are there who at one time you wanted to be there but no longer wish them to be. So although they will not get any further inside of your wall nonetheless, they are still there. This happens when at one time you trusted that person and for what ever circumstances transpired now you do not. Still this is the area where you let go only a certain amount of space. It's limited in size because it's meant only to release the outter layer of trust. I think of this place like a colliseum size arena. It's a bit more layed out in structure. Where people inside of this area actually have a personal seat of their own. Those being on the ground floor, of course, have the best seats in the house. Those are reserved for our closest and most trusted friends. It takes a little time and effort to get here but once you're asked inside of this arena you can be sure you have a friend. :)

Wall number three is the big one!!! Very few people get to come inside of this wall within the course of an entire life. This one is so high it is literally impossible to jump it. It is impossible to penetrate this wall. The only way to get inside of this area is to be invited. This space is reserved for those we trust as much as we can trust. Who we love as much as we can love. Who we need as much as we can need. This is the place where you don't have to ask "how are you" any longer because you know the answer from just a glance. This is the most special place we have. The most guarded and the most exclusive.

I think of this in my mind's eye as a sort of cabin. Think of a beautifully wooded area in Vermont. There is only ONE path to this cabin. NO side roads, no secret passage ways. This is an invitation only cabin. Where the only noise and music here is what we create. Where love reigns supreme. I don't think I have to go into details about this area. This is the most personal place we have. Reserved for a select few. When and if there comes a time in our life where we no longer want someone in this area, pushing them out of the door is usually a very painful experience. One that might even force us to put a double lock on the cabin door. You get the idea.

This is how I generally think of life. But through the years and through my own personal journey of discovery I've realized that my number one and number two walls have collided and mixed together. Like a beautiful blast of warm air that came bursting through my field of daisies picking up with it all the beautiful fragrances and soft petals right up and over the colliseum walls. Not only did the air go over the walls of the colliseum but it gently pushed open the huge doors that were not locked anyway! Everyone inside of the field can now mingle inside of the colliseum. No one has assigned seats any longer and those who want to sit will gladly give up their seat to a stranger. These two places in my mind's eye fit together seamlessly. I love this place.

This combining of walls has allowed me to live and love freely and without constraints because of my natural instinct to trust. This goes back to what I've written before this. To when I was younger not being able to look people in the eyes. Not for fear they would see something I was hiding but just the opposite. Because of my lack of these two walls. Though at that time, I didn't understand this and simply decided to not look into anyones eyes. Now something that was before a negative is probably one of the biggest positives in my life. This brings up the issue then of what I spoke about in my last passage before this one.

My Two Worlds

With this combination of walls comes much more responsibily. This is what I had to work on. This is where my confusion came in. This is where I unknowingly can hurt or mislead someone. Because I allow pretty much the general public into this area is can be misleading. Because I make it so comfortable and effortless to get into my colliseum people have mistaken that for being invited in a special area. Because where I let them go is where they guard. There are no leaps and bounds, no four foot fence to hurdle, no invitation to come into my first and second wall. They have become liquid.

I, of course, still have my third wall. And make no mistake about it, that wall is as high and as inpentitrable as anyone elses. No one can get behind it easily. In this regard I am exactly like everyone else. Thank God for the third wall.

It is so extremely special that when you are invited in not only do you get to share your most special place but you get to explore someone elses!!!!

My Two Worlds

2008-02-12T08:58:00.001-05:00

A question posed to me via an online chat:

I was reflecting on your online chat last night. I was really struck by your being able to handle two worlds at the same time; that is, the client world and your personal world. You said that you wouldn’t kiss a "date" on your initial rendevous, and yet you get extremely intimate with your clients. It is rare for a woman to be able to keep those two things separate. I can’t help but wonder if the boundaries between the two are that easily managed

******my response******

This is a subject I give much thought to Jeff. Without a tremendous amount of delving into my own head I would not be able to do anything in either world with much degree of sucess. First to answer your question.. NO the boundaries are not easily managed. I continually work on those boundaries... I continually keep them in the front of my mind. Because unlike most boundaries, mine are not made of stone. They are liquid. Having such pliable boundaries requires a sort of dedication to the maintaining the integrity of them.
I believe one of the very reasons behind everything that happens during a session is foundated on a certain truth. And this Truth is my truth and my customer's truth. Although this is the one Truth I speak about only in passing .. but in reality is the the key to what is happening before anything can even happen. By the same token, this Truth disappears in my personal life. It is simply non-existent.

This Truth is the complete absence of any ties or binds, without any past or future consequences to any decisions made within the confines of the time we spend together. This very fact alone makes it possible to feel things that otherwise would take months to let go to. For both of us. We can give to one another an abundance amount of trust because there is no way that trust will be viloated. It's so limited in the sense that it goes away as soon as we leave one another. What ever a person tells me, what ever intimate details and desires are shown to me are completely nurtured and cared for with the best of intentions for the time we are together. Therefore the boundaries literally disappear. Because I make it so easy to let go of them.

I do not know what a person did before he came to me and I have no idea what he will do when he leaves. I only know that during the time we are together I take full and complete advantage of the freedom that comes along with 100 percent trust! And this is what I bring.

This is the root of the root.

Jeff.... the two hours we are together is a mere glimpse into what would be the ulimate relationship. The dream relationship that has no boundaries, no issues, no baggage, no stress, no past, no future. Though it is very real for the time we are together in reality it is a fantasy that is played out with the entire heart and soul.

I don't want you to think it's not real because it certainly is. But I understand what and why and how this is happening. I have to be very honest and say one thing about this. Because I know how things can be and the amount of communication and honesty it takes to create this amount of trust within the every day life of a relationship. I take relationships extremely seriously.

I'm also aware of something else about myself that is probably the most important realization that I can have. Because my walls boundaries may be a more pushed back than others I realized that my openess to sensuality goes beyond now that of most women on an initial meeting. Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooo comfortable within my own sexuality and sensuality that it is something that is very appealing. I hadn't even realized that until it was said to me over and over again in different ways in different situations I encounter through out my days. I hear on a pretty consistant basis that there's just something "different" about me. That is not said in a negative way, in fact, just the opposite. It's said in such a way that draws men to me on a level that goes beyond sexual. I also realized through trial and error that this was something that I couldn't control as easily.

After all, how hard is it to control a personality type that comes from within? So this became something I had to work on. You might think this is silly but for someone like me who takes other people's emotions very seriously it became an issue. I realized that at times, just showing and being myself was giving out signals that maybe I was interested in someone a bit more than I was. With no intention to do so ever, I was hurting people. This began to weigh on me heavily.

Because I'm aware of this it makes me the way I am in a personal relationship.. IE when I first meet a man I want to get to know on a personal level I have to consciously think about what I'm saying and how I'm acting and actually have to hold back. Because a person who makes it very easy and comfortable and who is naturally comfortable with affection can and will hurt someone if we are not on the same page.

So, how am I able to manage and maintain two such different worlds? I believe the answer is constant self-discovery and a consistant dedication to preserving those parts of myself meant only to be shown to one man with whom I trust with every part of me. What and who I show is a mere scratch on the surface of what I need to give and what I need to recieve within a relationship. Who I bring to the public is the outer shell of me. The well runs very deep within and it's shared very sparingly.

This brings me to an entirely different subject which is another delicately woven thread into the web of life. The web of my life.

Jeff's Response:

I want to take this time to thank Jeff for all of his responses and the thought he puts into our subjects. Thank you, Jeff for eliciting such thought provoking mornings!

Dear Dream,

Just piggybacking on somewhat you shared of all this really meaty stuff :).... it seems like what you do in a session is not only set up a fantasy (which is true), but you also set up a kind of laboratory setting. I use the word, laboratory, not because it’s sterile or antiseptic, but that you have a "controlled setting". Within that controlled setting (controlled by the two truths, the time limit, the give and take of exchanging touch, and then off to your separate lives) you give an opportunity (just an opportunity....not always a sure thing....) to glimpse the outer recesses of what sensuality between a man and woman might have to offer. You limit the variables of real daily life and get right to the core of the matter. The image which comes to mind is that if a concentrate which you might buy in the store...say, a juice concentrate. The 2 hour experience is like that concentrate. The essence is contained in the concentrate, but it’s too potent and sweet to be consumed by itself. The concentrate has to be diluted with the tensions and challenges of everyday real life in order to be rightfully enjoyed. The real fruit of the experience with you is not so much in coming back for frequent experiences, but rather taking the experience and applying it to ones love relationship in that life. It would seem to me that if a man just kept coming back to you time after time without applying his experience, then it becomes a kind of addictive thrill.

I want to mega-affirm what you had to say about being naturally open and sensual in your workaday world. I understand why would have to put some energy into pulling the reigns in on that. Guys pick up on such openness in a heartbeat. They also pick up on the strength or weakness of your boundaries. The combination of strong boundaries and a naturally sensual nature is radioactive. That kind of presence and energy takes over a whole room. I can imagine you coming into a room with that kind of energy. So many women try to create that kind of presence in a gathering by dressing sexy, makeup, perfume, hair, shoes, etc.....and that is ok, but those are externals. A really sensual/open woman could walk into a gathering of such women with a sweatshirt, jeans, and tennies and still capture most the attention with guys because she has that certain unrehearsed presence which is authentic. In this artificial world, what we all yearn for is authenticity. Such sensuality is not a game, but a breath of fresh air.

To take that sensual openness that you naturally possess and not play games with it but reserve it appropriately, is to hold and cherish something worth treasuring. It would be important with such power to keep a humble perspective. To use it to your advantage in public would make you as everyday as everyone else. What you are able to do with your boundaries is claim your preciousness. How I wish more women would claim their preciousness as a woman. A real man wants that. Despite what the media and marketing imply, real men don’t’ want sluts, we want women who are worthy of our sacrifice in holding them as special and precious.
Whoa....got real wordy about that one......you really hit a nerve for me.....

I’ve written enough for now........please write more about what you’ve shared. Again, I would like to hear more about your description of walls and what that means. Thank you for being your authentic self. The kind of presence from you which I just outlined comes through clearly to me here at my little ol keyboard.
Peace and warm regards,

Jeff

A Short Trip!

2008-02-11T22:47:00.001-05:00

**Window View**

How come when you go away for a few days it takes you a few weeks to catch up? No matter how much I think I organize things before I leave it just never seems to work. I have a trillion and one thoughts I will get out over the next few days. I just wanted to let anyone who was wondering that I was still very much alive and well. In fact, I'm missing that beautiful 85 degree weather I was just basking in.

**Warm Memories**

Oh boy, it's freezing outside! Right now I'm sitting in my Den with no less than five candles burning. There's nothing like candle light and soft music to make any freezing day warm.

Wanna Snuggle?

Deep Thoughts

2008-02-07T07:33:00.000-05:00

A women’s eyes reveal so much. Typically I see the full spectrum of human emotions.....and all that binds us. But, occasionally I see the far off cliffs of a world yearned for but seldom seen.....of a time and state of being which is fully ourselves but also beyond ourselves. And in that brief moment my incomplete self is left behind for the hills that beckon to the great unknown. And in my heart I know it’s the only place worthy of the journey. In a breath I lose this facsimile life of mine for a promise. Her eyes gesture to scan the panoramic landscape of a unified existence. Who are you woman and what is the truth linked to your gaze?

Love emerges as a feeling, but is quickly spent to a firmament beyond temporal tendencies for capture and control. I look further and see the stream which flows to the ocean.....and, like the salmon, its my hunger which propels me to want nothing more than the freedom of open water. How can eyes reveal so much? And how is it that I’m capable of seeing all these destinies? After all, they are only eyes.

You shy not from my look and in your this vulnerability of revelation my only instinct is to be one with you and the promise you hold. Knowing the impossibility of trekking the caverns of life linked to the eternity within you, I reach out to simply know your touch. And for you to know mine. And in the immanence of touch I treasure the transcendence of what you are truly about. Your body becomes the gateway into what I am allowed to see of you....in this life.
My hands - my lips sculpt the outer recesses of the fullness of your femininity. My touch and taste scout the way of what you unashamedly give me. The beauty of your carnal signposts point the way. I pause to look again in the eyes which are my lighthouse for navigation into your womanhood. I find new venues of discovery in every smell and opportunity for tactile exploration. Give to me woman, that I may know of myself. In the mutual giving know the meaning of desire and its capacity for seeking.

What then of the story lingering in those eyes? Will my touch be enough to placate my desire for this homeland? I know not for certain. We are both only here in the now, and in reaching out we may yet come to flourish in the fertile groves of expectation - revealed in those eyes. Come then...let me touch you. Please, come and touch me. Let us know what we can know of one another. And let us be restful in that knowing. For to know what lies beyond is enough for today. Come, take my hand....as your eyes meet mine.

Jeff

"Why is She?"

2008-01-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

** I was inspired to write this **

I am truly not sure what "made" me become who I am. I"m not even sure that is the right way to express that. I don't think I've ever changed or "become" something that I wasn't since the day I was born. I think I learned and became confident enough to actually just embrace who I am and how I am.

When I was younger I considered my personality traits as a negative. I viewed my naivety as being not as smart or as in control as everyone around me seemed to be. I viewed my casual nature as one who didn't see the big picture. I remember when I was younger never being able to look into any one's eyes when they spoke to me. That wasn't because I was shy... or scared or intimidated or even insecure. Quite the opposite. It was because I always felt a vulnerability through my eyes. I never had a veil or wall up. Though you may think my views and outlook are based on a complicated scale it surely is not. I'm very transparent and always have been. But as I said earlier I never tried or was even able to hide that fact. So I simply didn't allow anyone to look into my eyes.

** Up Went The Walls**(next topic "Walls")

The very things I viewed as negatives in my life were the most beautiful...real... and loving parts of me. It was I who had to change my own views on myself..and when I did this.. which is not easy... but once I did this it truly did take on a life of it's own. It opened up a whole new unseen world for me. One that lies beneath the surface of every day life and of every day living.

It's there for everyone. but not everyone is ready to dig deeper

I, like you, am a people watcher and more importantly a people listener. Most people tend not to listen. What they do instead is actually wait instead of listen. What i mean by that is that most people are waiting for the other person to just stop talking so that they can now say what they want. In so doing, they do not hear one word or thought the other person said. .. Waiting is very common. To truly listen is rare. That is a workshop in itself!!

I do not view myself any differently than that of any other woman. I'm not better, I'm not worse. I'm a woman who simply let go of what society told me I was supposed to do and am just being who nature dictates I am. It truly is that simple. I know deep in my heart that every woman feels what I feel. Is who I show. Needs what I need. Please always remember one thing.

That which I give is what I need!!!!!!!

**this thread will continue as I continually share myself under the Topic "me"**

Freedom.............

2008-01-17T20:14:00.000-05:00

Doves are always free. Only the way one views freedom changes "

I wish....................

2008-01-17T20:10:00.000-05:00

I wish I was man for just one very intense orgasm

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in - L Cohen

2008-01-12T08:04:00.000-05:00

I came across the awesome quote yesterday by a very lovely reader who enjoyed reading my site but had a hard time with the toggle buttons on my site. I'm not sure why, I'll have to try to figure that out but they did get through the entire site so I'm going to assume that the problem they had was over-come. I get many E-mails a day commenting on my site. Which, first let me please change the subject for a minute to say "thank you" for that. I hope that my writing and form of expression brings nothing but happiness to you and perhaps ideas for even more thought!

There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in - L Cohen

I, personally, think this is one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever read in my life. So much so that I had to write about it because it provoked so much thought.

I think it provoked so much thought because the Reader who wrote to me quoted it in the same sentence as he was trying to tell me what didn't work on my site. Therefore I assumed (and we all know assuming is not good) that they meant this quote to represent a negative. Now, I'm definitely going to be reading the works of http://www.leonardcohenfiles.com further. Just at a glance I can see I'm going to love it.

When I first saw the quote, for me it shone through as such a beautiful positive. The very first thing that came to my mind was how incredibly beautiful that image was. I thought of a dark dungeon with no light at all. Spider webs combined with years of dust and of falling debris. I thought of that inevitable crack that would happen because as we all know when things are left to rot, they surely do. I envision a crack finally opening up as to say "This place is beautiful". No matter what you interpret it to look like now, when the light filters through that crack and the long lost sunlight filters through like a raging river with a destination those dusty walls and strings of webs that have overlapped and intertwined with each other for so long shine like beautiful strings of perfect silk diamonds.

I think for me it's all about how you view the things in front of you. Do you view a dark, dirty dungeon as ugly and unapproachable? Or do you view it as a place of unbelievable beauty just waiting for the sunlight to reveal all the hidden treasure that lay there in wait.

To this I say;

There are many people in the world who no matter what they see or hear or read will always see a negative and this generates through their entire world. When someone is unhappy they will never see or feel a dungeon as something beautiful. Not even when the light shines through. They will still only then tell you that now that the light has shone through all it reveals is dirt and filth. What a horrible way to view yourself and the world around you.

Nothing in life is perfect. Not everyone is going to like everything you say or do. Not everyone is going to think you're the most beautiful or handsome. Not everyone is going to believe in your words, your art or your impressions.

I believe when inside of you, you see and feel beautiful; when you allow the light to shine through the cracks of your world and through your own imperfections and still see and feel beauty within it is then you truly are beautiful.

Nature's Orchestra

2008-01-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

WOW!!! Is all I can say about last night's crazy Thunder Storm. It was like an explosion of sounds and emotions. The sky definitely had something Grand to say last night and I thoroughly enjoyed listening to it. It was almost like music, an orchestra.

I remember when I was little, I was so scared of Thunder. It always sounded like it was right on top of my head. I remember hiding under my covers and singing a song to myself, trying to block out the sounds. Funny how as you get older you view the same exact things in such an entirely different way.

The Thunder is exactly the same. The noise, the lights, the sounds all the same yet I feel it as such a beautiful expression of Earth's Aliveness (if that's such a word) now. Not something I try to block out now but something I actually will shut every other noise out to hear. Lighted candles and the sounds of a massive Thunder Storm is what made my night last night one of the best.

I hope everyone in my area enjoyed it as much as I did.

Kindness goes a long way

2008-01-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

How something can be so beautiful one second and the next be extraordinarily ugly was something I have never experienced before. I have had this experience with a picture I had. It's funny how things can change so drastically when you actually know the artist. It then becomes a direct reflection of their ugliness. It's a shame, indeed.

There is never a time, no matter how bad the situation where kindness will not produce a positive result. Of this I'm very sure. A sad state of affairs when this has to be reinforced in someone who is actually working as a professional where honesty and respect is the foundation for her work and for my lifestyle.

1. I believe in respecting people no matter their own despicable behavior.

2. I appreciate the enormous amount of Email I'm getting from my readers that are so extremely positive. Thank you.

3. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: If you are a writer, please have a good understanding what the power words can do and how far they will go to producing the desired results. Keeping in mind that the result, though may be what you wanted, only happened because of a need I have to rise above you in order to be true to my own words! You may not keep the link to my site on your writings even though it has brought to me such a beautiful group of men and women with same definition of kindness and respect.

Lesson learned!!!
The only thing i regret is that I actually felt the urge to spew venom back to her and for that I'm truly ashamed.

Kindness goes a long long way to achieve ones desired results and when that clearly will not happen it then becomes the other person's responsibility((mine, in this case)) to rise above such disgusting behavior.

This is a hard lesson to learn and not to be taken lightly. As I was approached with a Venomous tongue so it's in one's nature to respond in kind. I should have known better and just excused this and moved on..... so ... we move on ... more enlightened than before, happier and in a positive light ...we go... And so,

All is right with the world again. :)

New Year's Resolution

2008-01-03T15:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm putting it in writing so it must be true! LOL... My mother always told me to never put anything in writing. See how well I take advice.

So, I joined a gym today. Something I should have done years ago. I will definitely keep my blog updated on my gym comings and goings. This, in fact, will probably be my biggest motivator!

That's Resolution number one. Number two resolution is to make sure I do not give up on number one! Anyone who is not in the shape they want to be in knows exactly what I'm talking about. This truly isn't about getting the perfect body but it's entirely about getting my body in sync with my mind. There creates the balance of mind and body for an individual I believe. And, I am lacking in this area.

Hey! It's not easy to admit this to the world. Who likes to look at themselves, see what they perceive to be short-comings and then actually take steps to change them. I know it's not easy.

Wish me luck :)

Wish I Knew Then

2007-12-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

Hindsight

Yes, we are all a bit wiser after the fact!

I've been truly blessed. Though some may not think this is possible, I'm here to say most positively that it's true. Blessed with the trust of men who would tell me some of their most inner feelings. Some of the things that maybe even perhaps they've never even said out loud but only had thought about it. Blessed with the ability to bring to them a safe, soft place to let go in. I'm sincerely appreciative of this fact and take nothing for granted.

Some of the things I've learned helped me put some things from my life into perspective. Things I might not have seen before. Because it's every one's nature to take what ever went wrong and to blame it on the person closest to us. It's always his fault or her fault. They didn't do this... They didn't do that. They did this or they did that. We are all guilty of shifting the blame and all guilty of not taking ownership of our own actions.

What I've learned and want to share with you now is how stress affects us and how we pass it along to everyone near to us. Most households consist of one or both of the adults working, children in school and with that comes the dance class, sports practices and being a taxi at all hours of the day and night. Taking care of everything without any real communication going on. Talking but not listening. Running without getting anywhere.

You must keep in mind that I'm speaking now of me and my thoughts on what I've done and am guilty of. Everyone is different and every situation is different. I just wish I could have taken my own advice back then. But I believe in fate and this is exactly the way fate determined it should be. Therefore there is a reason if even it's not known yet.

After an extremely long day of work, kids, driving around all over creation catering to everyone, cooking, cleaning, home works and the million things I didn't get done that day, my stress level is pretty high. I know my husband will be home by 7 and I have in my mind the million things I'm going to tell him. How the kids annoyed me that day, what I need done / fixed / moved / bought and pretty much every other thing that he's done that bothered me. That could even be from years before but just happen to be on my mind that day! Women are so complicated!!!

When 7pm nears I'm getting ready. Sometimes I don't even wait until his coat is off in the hallway before I start ranting and raving and probably making no sense at all. I can only imagine now after years of this how unbearable it must have been sometimes for him to even walk in the door. I bet he had more stress on the drive home knowing what he was probably going to get bombarded with upon arrival. That drive home must have sucked! And to be perfectly honest because of this stress level we both have, our sex life was almost down to nothing! How unbearable that is to think of now. When there isn't even sex left to release tension things can only go down hill from there.

Taking ownership

That is NOT easy!!!! But looking back and seeing things more clearly and with an open mind I see now how I could have changed the entire scenario by just using my head instead of letting my emotions run my life.

Everyone has stress. That will not change because that's part of life. Especially when you have a million things going on. How I could have changed things would have only taken a few minutes. I believe would have been the basis for a much longer marriage. Please also keep in mind that the solution I've come up with only fits into my life as I can not talk for others. My nature is to give and it always has been. So this is what this is based on. But even with that being said I believe that even if one's nature is not 100 percent giving that this will be a benefit to them as well.

Whether you come home first or he does not matter. What matters is how you treat the homecoming of each. That initial walking in the door is the crucial point. Because once that is created the drive home then becomes a much different scenario. To take the first 10 to 30 minutes without talking! To use that time to feel, to love, to smile, to touch, to sit. No matter if you have kids or not does not matter. This isn't about sex though it definitely can be! If you ever get that time alone a truly great experience can be created.

But for the most part just hugging and holding immediately and exchanging that energy that has been created while you were apart. Sharing it and easing it. Hugging is tremendously under rated. Helping the other off with their coat. Putting the brief case away and out of view. Ending that day that was outside of the home. Maybe a light massage, a soft touch of the face and brush of the lips.

If this is done for at least 10 minutes upon arrival I guarantee that anything either one of us had to say would have come out MUCH differently then if we bombarded at the door. Anything needing to be fixed/moved/bought or said will still be there. It's how we say it and express ourselves to the other that makes all the difference.

In my world I wish I would have done what comes naturally to me. To see him walking up the steps would now give me goosebumps and make my stomach drop a bit. Knowing that I will be able now to care for and cherish the Man I loved. Gently hugging and caressing. There are so many things that make coming home so much more beautiful. You don't need a lot of time or a creative mind. You only need to learn your partner and their needs and allow them to become your needs.

My genuine need now is to be the smile on his face as he drives home knowing that what ever his day was before that it will most assuredly only get better!

Where's the Romance

2007-12-30T21:37:00.001-05:00

To my Friend "The Doctor" Your letter inspired me, encouraged me and put me on a thought process that has so many paths and turns in it. Thank you for sharing with me and inspiring me

Hidden Agenda

Everyone on this earth has an agenda I guess. It really can't be any other way. That is the basis of your directions and decisions you make through out your days. I suppose the agendas that aren't spoken about but are lurking in the background are the ones I'm focusing on now.

What ever happened to Romance?

Remember the days when a man actually came to the door to pick up a woman for a date. When you waited for that first phone call and when you heard the ring your heart dropped and you trembled just a bit hoping beyond hope it was him or her? When you got to know someone by talking face to face and saw the sparkle in their eyes when they laughed, not the Font of an "LOL". When you didn't have to chat online for two months before you got to hear their voice and even longer to meet them. After months of exchanging anonymous fonts and real emotions it finally comes time to meet the person you've been sharing some of your most intimate secrets. It has all gotten so backwards and confusing.

The Mid-Life Dating Scene

Oh how the times have changed! Most men and women who are dating "again" after maybe losing their partner or by divorce it is the same situation. Most mid aged men and women have a lifetime of memories behind them. Children, careers and busy lives that follow them into every relationship. Pretty banged up and battle scared and dreading the days they spent in Court, fighting over money and custody. Until you get emotionally healed in your own head you will bring these battles into every relationship you start. I believe that every person has to work out what's best for them to cultivate and grow as a person. Positive changes that allow you to shine. No matter what that is.

NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU NEED

Only you can do this for yourself.

The White Knight

I believe so many things have been forgotten. Especially for women. Maybe I'm biased because I am a woman. I can write this based on that fact alone. When a woman is married and has children they sometimes over the years will actually forget they are a sensual living being. They become so engrossed in taking care of a family and a home and perhaps a career too that they put "themselves" on the back burner. But some where in the deepest corners of her mind is that 18 year old girl who believes in romance, love and still has that innocent trusting smile. Through years of neglecting that girl inside, she has become a shell of who she is. Walls up high.

When dating enters into the picture I believe the "White Knight" Syndrome kicks into high gear. That hidden agenda to find anyone who will take care of her, alleviate stress and basically be the man she thinks she needs.

Now, I may be completely wrong. I may be half right and half wrong. What ever the case may be, this is what inspired me today.

Even the strongest of Men do not want to be a Knight in some one's life. That denotes only giving on their part. To rescue someone from basically them self. You can't change the past but you can control the future. To search your own soul is such a personal journey. To understand your own desires takes work and time. I believe it is only then that you can enter into a relationship without any hidden agendas.

Road Rage

2007-12-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, I was driving to yet another store to redeem another gift card (not my own) which even makes shopping during this time worse. Every girl loves gifts cards but me.. of course, having to swim against the tide all the time, I do not like shopping or cards that induce said action. So anyway, I was actually enjoying the drive. Driving with traffic and listening to XM Radio Station "The Loft" which is my favorite. Lots of folk music.. I call it the Starbucks Channel. Though when I think about it, I think there actually IS a Starbucks channel on XM. Well, you get the point. I was listening to some very mellow music. Stopped at a light, picture this in your head. Three lanes of traffic at the light that merge into two lanes shortly after the light. So one car is going to be getting behind the other. And so that's where the Road Rage begins in this story. I'm not in the top three cars at the light. I'm directly behind one of them in the middle lane, so I'm a witness to the Fury.

LIGHT TURNS GREEN AND THEY'RE OFF!!

The Man in the middle lane and the Man in the right lane battle it out for first. I can see them both flooring their cars each trying to be the one to cut the other one off. But as we all know, only one car can be first. That's when things really kicked off. The Man who came in second now was, I suppose, furious. He is now tail-gating the other car and flashing his brights. Mind you, I'm directly behind them now wishing I could move over to the left lane but traffic wouldn't let me. The First car then decides to retaliate by stomping on the brakes and so the other car had to do the same, consequently so did I and the truck behind me. Now this is getting scary. The second car tries to actually go around the first car using the shoulder of the road. The first car sees this and decides he won't allow that swerves over to the shoulder as well. As he's doing this he then decides that everyone will have to now go 20 miles an hour on a main highway. So of course we all slam on our brakes yet again. It was the most horrible display of immaturity and ridiculous ego pampering I have ever witnessed. I was disgusted to say that least.

This set me off to thinking.. Of course, everything sets me off in some kind of direction. I thought to myself, as this was a Sunday that by all likely hood both of these Road Warriors had been to Church only a few hours before. Regardless of whether they went to Church or not I will bet my last dollar that both of them celebrated within the last few weeks some sort of Holiday that preached and was based on loving your neighbors and having a kind heart!

Then this set me off to another thought that I have. This will be quick because I can ramble on forever. I was coming from Church one Sunday and we decided to go to Breakfast at the local diner. Inside of the Diner were other parishioners I had just seen a few minutes ago at Church. Well, the Sermon that week was on loving your family, spending time with your kids and so on. Was a very nice Service. Well, inside of that Diner I watched the Wife absolutely humiliate her husband and her children for everyone to hear. With the most hateful, and nasty attitude to her waitress. So, what's the point of this rant. I don't know. I just know that we all witness and are a party to rage at times, including myself. But I guess witnessing it from afar really puts your own out-bursts into perspective. I know that the next time I'm in my car and I want to battle for "First" **which I'm guilty of too, by the way** I will think twice and remember the people behind me that are a witness to my idiotic behavior.

My First Blog

2007-12-28T11:11:00.002-05:00

Well, if you made it to my Blog then you know by now that I love to write. Especially about how Sensuality fits into my world. Thus far you've had to read. I thought it was time I got to see YOUR thoughts on what I write or on your views about the world we live in. I love to read as much as I love to write! I'm looking forward to hearing you now!

I want to say first, Happy Holidays to everyone and to please have a safe and fun New Year's Eve. Designate a Driver! :)