Things I Ponder

I was thinking about this because I was online today and someone Instant Messaged me. After saying hello and a polite introduction he told me that he was 35/Male/Italian. So, of course, me being me I asked him if he was born here. He said yes. Here's what I began to ponder.

I understand that America is a young Country compared to most every other Country. But when is it that people who were born here and know no other home will decide to take American as their Nationality? My ancestors were from other Countries but I certainly am not. Nor would I ever claim to identify with their home. I know NOTHING about their culture, history or language. If I was from Italy, in fact, and knew that Americans, who never even visited my country let alone were born there, claimed it as their Nationality I would probably laugh and wonder what was wrong with them.

I don't feel that when someone asks me what I am that it's fair that I tell them where all of my ancestors, ancestors came from. That simply is not who I am.

When someone asks me what Nationality I am I always say with such pride,

"I'm American."

No Discipline!

well..I decided I need a trainer in the gym. I'm just way too easy on myself. Though I do much more now than I did when I first started, it's just not going fast enough for me. I've always kinda been too easy on myself in many ways but I try to acknowledge that fact and work on it and change it. But I think I need professional help. I'm heading to the gym now.... Hurry, I need you!!!

Any Trainers out there?

Question

How come you drive your car on a Parkway and park your car in a Driveway?

Amazing Sky

Snow Storm Feb 2008

This is a view from my back deck right after the rain finally started to clear

This is a Sunset

Amazing, huh?

New York City

Well, what can I say about NYC that hasn't already been said. The Greatest City in the world. Well, according to New Yorkers anyway.

I actually do love to go to NYC and try to go as much as possible. I love Broadway especially. I spent the better part of last night in the city and for some reason it just seemed more crowded than usual. No matter where we were walking so were a million other people. The one thing I love about NYC is all of the lit up bill boards. Some of them are very entertaining short movies.

Now, I'm hooked on Broadway Plays as I just mentioned and last night was my first time seeing Grease. I was looking forward to it for so long. I have to say first that in my opinion there is no way a live performance can be bad of any production. I even love High School Plays. But this production of Grease last night was so disappointing. ::sigh::

The music was great, no doubt. They even added in a few songs that weren't from the movie. It was just so blah though. I never quite saw a play where I left feeling that way. Maybe the movie with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John was just too good. Or maybe it was because I saw it no less than 100 times. In reality who can ever live up to that hype!

I would still recommend seeing the Play to anyone who likes Grease. The music is awesome and there is nothing that beats seeing a live performance and a night out in New York City.

Ying/Yang ... Ummm?

well.. this is an expansion on my last entry Ying/Yang.

I got a phone call from a friend who said I might want to re-think the rainbow analogy. He said I was, to him, more like a bolt of lightning. That when it hits the ground it sprays off into many, different directions with no real plan or structure. But the main bolt always safely grounds out and never lets the wild sprays stray too far.

Thank you for that analogy. Rainbow/Lightning. Fascinating. I have to give this more thought. Does that mean I have a lot of Energy? I think that probably may just be true. ::Smiles::

Ying/Yang

This subject came up this morning and it got me thinking about the ying and yangs that everyone has in their life. I'm a firm believer that if you don't have this ying/yang balance then things just might be a bit "off kilter" in your life. I think that is where maybe stress or anxiety may be lingering. You will always feel that "something is missing" feeling when you don't have the balance you need emotionally and physically.

I picture this in my mind's eye like a the rainbow of my world. Filled with every single color imaginable and then imagine all of those colors mixed up in endess variations. These represent every emotion that has ever ran through me. A rainbow feels like to me something that has two ends and at the very top of the arch is the center. This is a constantly growing rainbow. Really, it has no real end. The key that I work on is keeping it centered as to not have one side bigger than the other. Have you ever seen a lop-sided rainbow? It's not a very pretty site that's for sure. "Off Kilter."

As I delve and explore my sensual self, I find that my rainbow grows as I grow. I have found that something happens naturally as this occurs. Something that I hadn't realized up until I was gently guided into the direction of thinking about my own ying/yang. As I let go to and embrace the sensual parts of myself, as I open my mind up more, as I embrace my own femininity, (which is a never-ending spring), I find that I balance it out in other areas of my life. Without even trying things have tended to moved without my direction or thought. It just happened.

I just find it amazing how the human brain is so extremely complex and so incredibly self reliant. Your mind is always telling you what it needs. It's up to you whether or not you give those things to yourself. These things are not always things you can touch, see or taste. Sometimes it's just a realization of a state of mind that will set the "level" of your life to balance.

I remember quite some years ago, I was talking with a friend. This was a very deep conversation where at one point he asked the right questions that just set my mind off. It was like he opened the gate and the flood waters came rushing in. No direction, no path, no rules. Just wild waters that were set free to run down the moutain side with no barriers. What a beautiful gift to give someone. I wonder if at that time I made much sense. Rushing rivers can be quite confused without some kind of walls to guide them. I was probably at that time more like a huge mudslide!!! Either way, the flood gates of my mind were opened and once that happens there is no going back up the moutain to the damn that keeps you bound and locked up.

I believe it is after that, that the rainbow of my world began to take some sort of shape that resembled a rainbow that was not lop-sided. As my rainbow transformed into what it is today it took on many shapes and sizes. I'm quite positive that there is no gold at the end of a rainbow. The gold is many colors that promise to continually expand. The gold is "no end" to a rainbow.

Memorable TV-Blast from the Past

School House Rock.... Oh, I know you all remember this too!

My all time favorite, Bugs Bunny

"There's gold in dem dare mountains"

Pollution

I love this one

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop...

One..... Two....... Three....

I don't know why I was thinking of this commercial today.

Your Own Backyard

Why is it when a person is miserable and unhappy for some reason they think everyone else is too. They can not seem to see through their own sadness or dysfunctional behavior to realize that the anger and sadness they convey to others is from within. I have noticed that some people will convert their own negativity on to others so as to not have to deal with the very notion that not everyone is as unhappy and socially dysfunctional as they are! I guess it goes back to the old saying do as I say, not as I do. It's much, much easier to see over someone elses fence than it is to look in our own backyard

How do you view this yard?

The name of this picture is "Ugly Bridge"

I see absolutely NOTHING ugly in this picture.

It's all how you interpret the world around you.

When you take the time to stay in your own yard and you really look around you may realize that your yard needs attention and tending to. I think when real and honest time and devotion goes into yourself you can begin to see your yard in its entirety. You will see how unique and beautiful it is.

You'll be pleasantly surprised at beautiful your yard really is and just how beautiful all the other yards were all along.

Walls

Everyone who lives and breathes in this world, no matter their status, their race, religion, gender, occupation has their own personal walls. Within those walls are a cazillion paths that wind all over, under, through, around one another like a the webs of thousands of spiders. They are the paths of your life, of every memory of every thought, movement, decision and consequence. You have to define your walls and paths on your own. There is no rule or set way in which to build walls. They, in fact, are built through circumstance not of our own doing at times.

My personal pages/walls are much different than they used to be. I think of life in stages of walls that every person has. Generally three walls... but also remember it's much more complicated than this. Remember within the three big walls there are thousands upon thousand of tiny bumps and curves created and personalized by one's own life and their interpretation of it.

Everyone has the outter wall. The one that is up for the general public. The one that allows you to shake hands with a stranger and genuinely smile and say hello. The one that truly wants to know the answer to "how are you?" without much more detail than a one or two word answer. The one we pretty much let every single person we encounter mingle behind. This is a very very crowded area. Lots of things going on behind this wall. It's a pretty fun place to be. No real thoughts going on, no issues. just a very light and airy place. This area is huge. It's like a never-ending field of daisies with soft music always playing the background. Where everyone is pretty happy. You're free to wander aimlessy around, lay down and relax and just about anything else. After all it's hard to be negative when you're standing in a beautiful wide open field with many other happy people. Unless you have allergies. Now that could be bad! Let's assume in my world that allergies don't exist. :::smiles:::

Wall number two is a bit more personal and complicated. This is where our family, friends and people we genuinely care for reside. This is where when we ask the question, "how are you?" we genuinely want the extended answer. Where we care about the answer. This is where you let in personal trust. This wall is not easy to get behind but not that hard either. It's like jumping over a four foot fence. Not too hard if you put in a bit of effort. Sometimes people get behind this wall completely not of our own doing but just because of their position in our life. Maybe we wouldn't have chosen them to be there or maybe we even might have kicked them out of this area a long time ago.

But sometimes in life, circumstances are beyond our control. This area is a sort of grayish area. A good example of a gray area is your boss. He has to be behind this wall because of his/her postion in your life. Trust is mandatory and they must know personal things about you. Things you normally reserve for the ones you hand pick to be there.

Sometimes people are there who at one time you wanted to be there but no longer wish them to be. So although they will not get any further inside of your wall nonetheless, they are still there. This happens when at one time you trusted that person and for what ever circumstances transpired now you do not. Still this is the area where you let go only a certain amount of space. It's limited in size because it's meant only to release the outter layer of trust. I think of this place like a colliseum size arena. It's a bit more layed out in structure. Where people inside of this area actually have a personal seat of their own. Those being on the ground floor, of course, have the best seats in the house. Those are reserved for our closest and most trusted friends. It takes a little time and effort to get here but once you're asked inside of this arena you can be sure you have a friend. :)

Wall number three is the big one!!! Very few people get to come inside of this wall within the course of an entire life. This one is so high it is literally impossible to jump it. It is impossible to penetrate this wall. The only way to get inside of this area is to be invited. This space is reserved for those we trust as much as we can trust. Who we love as much as we can love. Who we need as much as we can need. This is the place where you don't have to ask "how are you" any longer because you know the answer from just a glance. This is the most special place we have. The most guarded and the most exclusive.

I think of this in my mind's eye as a sort of cabin. Think of a beautifully wooded area in Vermont. There is only ONE path to this cabin. NO side roads, no secret passage ways. This is an invitation only cabin. Where the only noise and music here is what we create. Where love reigns supreme. I don't think I have to go into details about this area. This is the most personal place we have. Reserved for a select few. When and if there comes a time in our life where we no longer want someone in this area, pushing them out of the door is usually a very painful experience. One that might even force us to put a double lock on the cabin door. You get the idea.

This is how I generally think of life. But through the years and through my own personal journey of discovery I've realized that my number one and number two walls have collided and mixed together. Like a beautiful blast of warm air that came bursting through my field of daisies picking up with it all the beautiful fragrances and soft petals right up and over the colliseum walls. Not only did the air go over the walls of the colliseum but it gently pushed open the huge doors that were not locked anyway! Everyone inside of the field can now mingle inside of the colliseum. No one has assigned seats any longer and those who want to sit will gladly give up their seat to a stranger. These two places in my mind's eye fit together seamlessly. I love this place.

This combining of walls has allowed me to live and love freely and without constraints because of my natural instinct to trust. This goes back to what I've written before this. To when I was younger not being able to look people in the eyes. Not for fear they would see something I was hiding but just the opposite. Because of my lack of these two walls. Though at that time, I didn't understand this and simply decided to not look into anyones eyes. Now something that was before a negative is probably one of the biggest positives in my life. This brings up the issue then of what I spoke about in my last passage before this one.

My Two Worlds

With this combination of walls comes much more responsibily. This is what I had to work on. This is where my confusion came in. This is where I unknowingly can hurt or mislead someone. Because I allow pretty much the general public into this area is can be misleading. Because I make it so comfortable and effortless to get into my colliseum people have mistaken that for being invited in a special area. Because where I let them go is where they guard. There are no leaps and bounds, no four foot fence to hurdle, no invitation to come into my first and second wall. They have become liquid.

I, of course, still have my third wall. And make no mistake about it, that wall is as high and as inpentitrable as anyone elses. No one can get behind it easily. In this regard I am exactly like everyone else. Thank God for the third wall.


It is so extremely special that when you are invited in not only do you get to share your most special place but you get to explore someone elses!!!!

My Two Worlds

A question posed to me via an online chat:

I was reflecting on your online chat last night. I was really struck by your being able to handle two worlds at the same time; that is, the client world and your personal world. You said that you wouldn’t kiss a "date" on your initial rendevous, and yet you get extremely intimate with your clients. It is rare for a woman to be able to keep those two things separate. I can’t help but wonder if the boundaries between the two are that easily managed

******my response******

This is a subject I give much thought to Jeff. Without a tremendous amount of delving into my own head I would not be able to do anything in either world with much degree of sucess. First to answer your question.. NO the boundaries are not easily managed. I continually work on those boundaries... I continually keep them in the front of my mind. Because unlike most boundaries, mine are not made of stone. They are liquid. Having such pliable boundaries requires a sort of dedication to the maintaining the integrity of them.
I believe one of the very reasons behind everything that happens during a session is foundated on a certain truth. And this Truth is my truth and my customer's truth. Although this is the one Truth I speak about only in passing .. but in reality is the the key to what is happening before anything can even happen. By the same token, this Truth disappears in my personal life. It is simply non-existent.

This Truth is the complete absence of any ties or binds, without any past or future consequences to any decisions made within the confines of the time we spend together. This very fact alone makes it possible to feel things that otherwise would take months to let go to. For both of us. We can give to one another an abundance amount of trust because there is no way that trust will be viloated. It's so limited in the sense that it goes away as soon as we leave one another. What ever a person tells me, what ever intimate details and desires are shown to me are completely nurtured and cared for with the best of intentions for the time we are together. Therefore the boundaries literally disappear. Because I make it so easy to let go of them.

I do not know what a person did before he came to me and I have no idea what he will do when he leaves. I only know that during the time we are together I take full and complete advantage of the freedom that comes along with 100 percent trust! And this is what I bring.

This is the root of the root.

Jeff.... the two hours we are together is a mere glimpse into what would be the ulimate relationship. The dream relationship that has no boundaries, no issues, no baggage, no stress, no past, no future. Though it is very real for the time we are together in reality it is a fantasy that is played out with the entire heart and soul.

I don't want you to think it's not real because it certainly is. But I understand what and why and how this is happening. I have to be very honest and say one thing about this. Because I know how things can be and the amount of communication and honesty it takes to create this amount of trust within the every day life of a relationship. I take relationships extremely seriously.

I'm also aware of something else about myself that is probably the most important realization that I can have. Because my walls boundaries may be a more pushed back than others I realized that my openess to sensuality goes beyond now that of most women on an initial meeting. Im sooooooooooooooooooooooooo comfortable within my own sexuality and sensuality that it is something that is very appealing. I hadn't even realized that until it was said to me over and over again in different ways in different situations I encounter through out my days. I hear on a pretty consistant basis that there's just something "different" about me. That is not said in a negative way, in fact, just the opposite. It's said in such a way that draws men to me on a level that goes beyond sexual. I also realized through trial and error that this was something that I couldn't control as easily.

After all, how hard is it to control a personality type that comes from within? So this became something I had to work on. You might think this is silly but for someone like me who takes other people's emotions very seriously it became an issue. I realized that at times, just showing and being myself was giving out signals that maybe I was interested in someone a bit more than I was. With no intention to do so ever, I was hurting people. This began to weigh on me heavily.

Because I'm aware of this it makes me the way I am in a personal relationship.. IE when I first meet a man I want to get to know on a personal level I have to consciously think about what I'm saying and how I'm acting and actually have to hold back. Because a person who makes it very easy and comfortable and who is naturally comfortable with affection can and will hurt someone if we are not on the same page.

So, how am I able to manage and maintain two such different worlds? I believe the answer is constant self-discovery and a consistant dedication to preserving those parts of myself meant only to be shown to one man with whom I trust with every part of me. What and who I show is a mere scratch on the surface of what I need to give and what I need to recieve within a relationship. Who I bring to the public is the outer shell of me. The well runs very deep within and it's shared very sparingly.

This brings me to an entirely different subject which is another delicately woven thread into the web of life. The web of my life.

Jeff's Response:

I want to take this time to thank Jeff for all of his responses and the thought he puts into our subjects. Thank you, Jeff for eliciting such thought provoking mornings!

Dear Dream,

Just piggybacking on somewhat you shared of all this really meaty stuff :).... it seems like what you do in a session is not only set up a fantasy (which is true), but you also set up a kind of laboratory setting. I use the word, laboratory, not because it’s sterile or antiseptic, but that you have a "controlled setting". Within that controlled setting (controlled by the two truths, the time limit, the give and take of exchanging touch, and then off to your separate lives) you give an opportunity (just an opportunity....not always a sure thing....) to glimpse the outer recesses of what sensuality between a man and woman might have to offer. You limit the variables of real daily life and get right to the core of the matter. The image which comes to mind is that if a concentrate which you might buy in the store...say, a juice concentrate. The 2 hour experience is like that concentrate. The essence is contained in the concentrate, but it’s too potent and sweet to be consumed by itself. The concentrate has to be diluted with the tensions and challenges of everyday real life in order to be rightfully enjoyed. The real fruit of the experience with you is not so much in coming back for frequent experiences, but rather taking the experience and applying it to ones love relationship in that life. It would seem to me that if a man just kept coming back to you time after time without applying his experience, then it becomes a kind of addictive thrill.

I want to mega-affirm what you had to say about being naturally open and sensual in your workaday world. I understand why would have to put some energy into pulling the reigns in on that. Guys pick up on such openness in a heartbeat. They also pick up on the strength or weakness of your boundaries. The combination of strong boundaries and a naturally sensual nature is radioactive. That kind of presence and energy takes over a whole room. I can imagine you coming into a room with that kind of energy. So many women try to create that kind of presence in a gathering by dressing sexy, makeup, perfume, hair, shoes, etc.....and that is ok, but those are externals. A really sensual/open woman could walk into a gathering of such women with a sweatshirt, jeans, and tennies and still capture most the attention with guys because she has that certain unrehearsed presence which is authentic. In this artificial world, what we all yearn for is authenticity. Such sensuality is not a game, but a breath of fresh air.

To take that sensual openness that you naturally possess and not play games with it but reserve it appropriately, is to hold and cherish something worth treasuring. It would be important with such power to keep a humble perspective. To use it to your advantage in public would make you as everyday as everyone else. What you are able to do with your boundaries is claim your preciousness. How I wish more women would claim their preciousness as a woman. A real man wants that. Despite what the media and marketing imply, real men don’t’ want sluts, we want women who are worthy of our sacrifice in holding them as special and precious.
Whoa....got real wordy about that one......you really hit a nerve for me.....


I’ve written enough for now........please write more about what you’ve shared. Again, I would like to hear more about your description of walls and what that means. Thank you for being your authentic self. The kind of presence from you which I just outlined comes through clearly to me here at my little ol keyboard.
Peace and warm regards,

Jeff

A Short Trip!

**Window View**

How come when you go away for a few days it takes you a few weeks to catch up? No matter how much I think I organize things before I leave it just never seems to work. I have a trillion and one thoughts I will get out over the next few days. I just wanted to let anyone who was wondering that I was still very much alive and well. In fact, I'm missing that beautiful 85 degree weather I was just basking in.

**Warm Memories**

Oh boy, it's freezing outside! Right now I'm sitting in my Den with no less than five candles burning. There's nothing like candle light and soft music to make any freezing day warm.

Wanna Snuggle?

Deep Thoughts

A women’s eyes reveal so much. Typically I see the full spectrum of human emotions.....and all that binds us. But, occasionally I see the far off cliffs of a world yearned for but seldom seen.....of a time and state of being which is fully ourselves but also beyond ourselves. And in that brief moment my incomplete self is left behind for the hills that beckon to the great unknown. And in my heart I know it’s the only place worthy of the journey. In a breath I lose this facsimile life of mine for a promise. Her eyes gesture to scan the panoramic landscape of a unified existence. Who are you woman and what is the truth linked to your gaze?

Love emerges as a feeling, but is quickly spent to a firmament beyond temporal tendencies for capture and control. I look further and see the stream which flows to the ocean.....and, like the salmon, its my hunger which propels me to want nothing more than the freedom of open water. How can eyes reveal so much? And how is it that I’m capable of seeing all these destinies? After all, they are only eyes.

You shy not from my look and in your this vulnerability of revelation my only instinct is to be one with you and the promise you hold. Knowing the impossibility of trekking the caverns of life linked to the eternity within you, I reach out to simply know your touch. And for you to know mine. And in the immanence of touch I treasure the transcendence of what you are truly about. Your body becomes the gateway into what I am allowed to see of you....in this life.
My hands - my lips sculpt the outer recesses of the fullness of your femininity. My touch and taste scout the way of what you unashamedly give me. The beauty of your carnal signposts point the way. I pause to look again in the eyes which are my lighthouse for navigation into your womanhood. I find new venues of discovery in every smell and opportunity for tactile exploration. Give to me woman, that I may know of myself. In the mutual giving know the meaning of desire and its capacity for seeking.

What then of the story lingering in those eyes? Will my touch be enough to placate my desire for this homeland? I know not for certain. We are both only here in the now, and in reaching out we may yet come to flourish in the fertile groves of expectation - revealed in those eyes. Come then...let me touch you. Please, come and touch me. Let us know what we can know of one another. And let us be restful in that knowing. For to know what lies beyond is enough for today. Come, take my hand....as your eyes meet mine.

Jeff